


If It Meant I Could Hold Your Hand

by CF_Casper



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, i never know how to tag these things, so much angst so much smut help me, the larry is really just mentioned, ziam is endgame
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-25
Updated: 2015-10-25
Packaged: 2018-04-28 01:04:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5072014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CF_Casper/pseuds/CF_Casper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn should have known. He knew this day was coming, in a far off distant kind of way, the same way he knew that death was coming. It kind of was the same thing, in his mind. And now somehow, in some cruel twist of fate, he’s found himself DJing his ex boyfriend’s wedding.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If It Meant I Could Hold Your Hand

**Author's Note:**

  * For [smileformemylovely](https://archiveofourown.org/users/smileformemylovely/gifts).



> its 4 am ive been writing for hours i have so many animals on me im so tired im sorry i hope u enjoy bc this is the first time ive written a proper sex scene since i stopped writing my chemical romance slash so im a little rusty 
> 
> title from Follow You by Bring Me The Horizon bc im unoriginal and lazy and i hate coming up with titles

“You’ve got to be fucking joking.”

That’s the only thing Zayn can seem to express right now as he stares up at the white tent overhead, dripping in twinkling lights and frilly paper lanterns. Even Louis looks slightly horrified, and in the back of his mind somewhere Zayn feels better knowing that Louis wasn’t in the loop about this either. It makes sense now that Harry was so dodgy about his plans this weekend. Zayn should have known. He knew this day was coming, in a far off distant kind of way, the same way he knew that death was coming. It kind of was the same thing, in his mind. And now somehow, in some cruel twist of fate, he’s found himself DJing his ex boyfriend’s wedding.

Not that the whole ex thing was Zayn’s decision, honestly. If he got it his way, he would be the one marrying Liam. But instead, hanging off his arm is some gorgeous brunette woman with sparkling eyes and a bright smile; someone who decidedly isn’t Zayn. It’s the happiest day of her life, and everyone can tell. For Zayn, it’s the worst.

“We can leave, dude, Niall will totally understand,” Louis murmurs, turning away from the bridal party taking their places at their table to make wary eye contact with Zayn. “I can’t believe he didn’t realise when he put you on this party, honestly.”

Zayn scoffs. “He probably did, the prick. He likes to ruin my life.”

“He is a bastard,” Louis agrees. “I like to think he wouldn’t have pulled something like this on purpose though. He probably never caught Liam’s last name; you know how he is about names.”

“Whatever.” Zayn lets out a deep breath and closes his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Whatever, fuck Niall and fuck Liam. I need the money; I gotta do this. So I’m just going to ignore everyone and keep my sunglasses on like a douche and maybe I’ll get through this.”

“And I’m right here if you need me,” Louis reminds him.

“That reminds me.” Zayn turns to him. “Please tell me I have enough time for a smoke before I have to set this shit show to music. Also I’m going to need as many cigarettes as you have.”

Louis sighs and pulls his pack and a lighter out of the pocket of his trousers. “You’ve got half an hour. I’ll set everything up; just make sure you’re back by then.”

“You’re the best.” Zayn grabs Louis around the neck and plants a sloppy kiss on Louis’ cheek just to fuck with him, then snags the smokes out of Louis’ hands and heads outside.

Behind the tent is a secluded little garden, with a stone bench hidden quietly beneath a willow tree. Zayn makes himself comfortable there, fairly confident that no one’s going to find him, and lights up with a big sigh of relief. He closes his eyes and rests his head against the tree behind him and puffs on his cigarette occasionally, only half listening to the muffled noises of talking and laughter coming from the tent. 

He tries not to think too hard about it. Of course that only lasts about five seconds before he’s drowning in the memories. He and Liam met when they were maybe twelve years old. For Zayn, that was it. He never wanted anyone else. It took Liam a few years to catch up; his parents were staunchly religious and he was too terrified of them to admit to himself (much less anyone else) the way he felt about another boy. But then one night, late under the cover of the blankets, a fourteen year old Liam had inched his way across the bed and into Zayn’s arms, and finally placed a long awaited kiss on his mouth.

After that, they were inseparable (as if they weren’t before). They had their first kiss together; they lost their virginity to each other. Zayn was so sure that they were going to be together forever, as cliché as it was. He always liked to picture himself as dark and mysterious, but when it came to Liam he couldn’t keep it up for a second. Liam was always his biggest weakness. 

He knew things were going south when Liam left for university. Zayn hadn’t bothered to apply anywhere; he spent too much of his teenage years skipping classes with Louis to go smoke behind the gym to entertain the idea that he would get accepted. But Liam was at the top of their class, and despite his insistence that he didn’t want to go anywhere without Zayn, when he was accepted into his dream school Zayn couldn’t let him pass up the opportunity. 

He wasn’t sure of exactly what happened. He could feel Liam growing more distant as the months went by, no matter how hard Zayn tried to pull him back. After Liam decided to stay at school over winter break and neglected to tell Zayn until the very last minute, Zayn couldn’t take it anymore. He drove up to the school that very night to confront him, right after he’d gotten Liam’s text. When he got there Liam was so cold. Zayn remembers thinking that he must be high, he must be fucked up somehow because this isn’t his Liam; he must be in the wrong room or the wrong dorm building or the wrong planet entirely because the man in front of him who couldn’t even look him in the eyes wasn’t Liam. Liam kept asking why he was there. After awhile Zayn started to wonder the same thing. Liam ended it that night, without any reason or excuse or explanation. Zayn threw the necklace Liam had given him for his birthday years ago at his head and left without a word after that fateful, “This isn’t working.” And they never spoke again.

When Zayn opens his eyes again to check his watch he’s gone through about a third of Louis’ pack. He knows he has to go back inside in a minute, but he tries to draw it out as long as he can. Finally, when he hears a brief second of feedback when Louis turns the speakers on, he heaves himself off the bench with a deep breath and heads toward the entrance. He doesn’t know if he can stomach three hours of watching Liam dancing with someone else, but Louis knows fuck all about good music and he can’t just leave him to fend for himself, no matter how much he might like to.

When he gets back to the sound booth Louis claps him on the shoulder and smiles. “You got this, man,” he says. Zayn laughs cynically.

“It’s time for the first dance, isn’t it,” Zayn asks quietly after a minute. Louis nods with a grimace. “Well, here goes nothing.” Zayn picks the microphone up off the table and clicks it on. He closes his eyes for a second and breathes. “Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mr and Mrs Liam Payne to the dance floor for their first dance as a married couple.”

Liam’s bride beams widely, but Liam’s head instantly snaps up and their eyes meet. Zayn can’t help but feel a small twinge of perverse satisfaction as he watches the smile slide off Liam’s face and his cheeks pale. Zayn raises an eyebrow challengingly, and as quickly as Liam looked he turns away, a spot of pink now visible in his cheeks and a furrow to his brow that Zayn’s pretty sure only he recognises as dread. 

The bride and groom take to the floor, and Zayn starts the first song in the queue. The couple dances slowly, Liam’s bride making a show of pulling their faces close and murmuring what are sure to be sweet little nothings to him. But even from across the room Zayn can see that Liam steals a glance at him every time he’s facing the DJ booth, and can’t help but smirk slightly at him. After that Liam makes a point to bury his face into her shoulder and keep his eyes cast down.

Surprisingly enough, the night seems to pass in a bit of a blur. After the first dance Zayn keeps his mind and his eyes focused on the music, and if Liam looks at him anymore he doesn’t know. Louis keeps a running commentary on the hideousness of the bridesmaids (particularly the dresses, which are an especially appalling shade of pink), and Zayn appreciates the distraction immensely. He’s almost able to forget that the wedding he’s DJing is for the love of his life and someone who isn’t him.

Of course it’s when Zayn steps out to use the bathroom, just starting to think that he might survive the night after all, that everything goes to hell. He’s just washing his hands and is about to head back when who else but Liam appears in the doorway.

Zayn freezes for a second, eyeing him warily. Liam must’ve come in there looking for him, because his jaw is set determinedly and he marches over to Zayn with a frown on his face. 

“What the fuck are you doing here?” He asks, planting his feet and crossing his arms in front of him. Zayn knows he’s trying to look tough but the arms are a dead giveaway that he’s just trying to hold himself together.

“I’m working, what the fuck else would I be doing here?” Zayn sneers, crossing his arms as well.

“Oh, I don’t know,” Liam retorts. “Trying to ruin my wedding maybe?”

Zayn laughs nastily. “You think I have nothing better to do with my time than worry about this farce? Besides, I think you’ve got that all covered, what with you marrying a woman and all.”

Liam’s frown hardens into a frosty glare. “I’ll have you know that I love Sophia very much. Whatever… experimentation I may have done as a kid is nothing more than ancient history.”

Zayn turns around and closes his eyes. “That’s fucking bullshit and you know it.”

“I don’t give a shit what you think,” Liam snaps. “This is my fucking wedding day and you have no right to just show up and ruin everything as always.”

Zayn whips back around. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean? _I_ ruin everything? I never did anything but love you and try and support you and you fucking destroyed me, you cock sucking bastard.”

Liam shoves him. “Fuck you, Malik, I’m not fucking gay.”

Zayn snorts derisively. “I am the last person on the whole planet you’re going to convince with that one, _Liam_.” He takes a step forward and shoves him back. “You’ve had my dick in your mouth. You’ve had my dick in your ass. I’ve made you come without even touching your cock; can little miss whats-her-name say the same?”

“Don’t you talk about my wife; you don’t know shit,” Liam hisses, shoving at Zayn’s shoulders again. This time Zayn’s ready for him though, and he grabs Liam’s wrists in his hands before he can push, only to pin him up against the wall. 

“You’re a fucking joke, Liam,” Zayn whispers, staring hard into his eyes. “You can lie to yourself all you want but I’m not buying it. Now leave me the fuck alone and let me go back to work.” He lets Liam go and turns to leave.

A second later, however, he finds himself the one shoved against the wall. Liam’s breath is hot on his face, and he hisses, “Fuck you, Zayn,” before pressing his mouth insistently to Zayn’s.

“Fuck,” Zayn breathes, fisting a handful of Liam’s hair and pulling sharply. “Goddamn it Liam, fuck you.” His other hand grips Liam tightly around the waist and he digs his nails in, as if it’ll somehow reassure him that this is actually happening.

Somehow they stumble their way into one of the stalls, and before Zayn knows it Liam’s tuxedo shirt is open and Zayn’s shirt is lying on the floor and they’re grinding against each other and panting and trying not to moan out loud.

“Bet this isn’t how you thought your wedding night was going to go,” Zayn mocks through a particularly biting kiss, and Liam just whimpers into his mouth. Zayn thinks off-handedly that this is exactly how he always pictured his wedding night. He ignores the little voice in his head that tries to remind him that it’s not actually his wedding.

“God, I want you to fuck me,” Liam breathes after another minute, pulling away slightly to catch his breath. He presses their foreheads together and closes his eyes. “Please, Zayn, it’s been so long please please I want to feel you inside me.”

Zayn feels like his heart is going to burst out of his chest. “Of course, baby, yeah. You don’t need to beg, Christ. Anything you want. I’ll take care of you.”

Liam whines softly in the back of his throat, and that’s all the encouragement Zayn needs to start tearing into Liam’s trousers, trying desperately to get them off of him as soon as he can. After his trousers and pants are around his ankles Zayn manages to tear himself away and turn Liam around, pressing his body hard against Liam’s back and just breathing for a moment into his neck. 

“Please,” Liam whimpers, “God, _Zayn_.” Zayn hushes him softly and presses a kiss against his shoulder before opening his own trousers, then pulling a condom and a packet of lube from his pocket (Louis had slipped them to him on the way there with a snide comment about weddings being a great place to pull).

When Zayn slips his index finger in, Liam can’t keep himself quiet any more. He lets out a string of curses, and Zayn’s not so far gone that he misses the, “missed this, missed _you_ ” hidden in there.

It doesn’t take long for Zayn to properly prepare Liam; though it’s been presumably years since Liam’s had anyone inside of him, he always liked it best when it was a tight fit, so after the third Zayn pulls his fingers back out and goes to roll the condom on and slick himself up. (He only thinks for a second how weird it is that they have to use a condom; they never did when they were together.)

By the time Zayn’s pressing his cock up against Liam’s ass, Liam’s already falling apart. “Patience, baby. I got you,” Zayn whispers into his hair. He begins to push slowly into the other man, pressing open-mouthed kisses along his neck and ears and shoulders as he inches his way in.

When he’s finally buried completely inside of Liam he stays there for a moment, holding him against his chest and panting into the crook of his neck. “Fuck,” he groans, “baby you’re so fucking tight. So fucking good, god Liam, you feel so good.”

Liam responds with a whine, so Zayn waits another moment until Liam shoves back against him and breathes, “Fuck me, Zayn, _please_.” 

It only takes a few minutes before Zayn knows he can’t keep himself from coming for much longer. Liam is a moaning, beautiful, sweaty mess around him, and it’s kind of the only thing he’s ever thought about at night when he’s alone in bed with his hand around his cock. Liam’s not a whole lot better off, and when Zayn finally reaches around his body to take Liam’s cock into his hands, Liam groans loudly and slams himself back faster onto Zayn’s cock. “God, Zayn, I’m gonna come,” He whispers, and Zayn bites his ear lobe just the way he knows Liam likes, and then they’re both coming hard.

They both stay there for a moment, panting heavily and trying to catch their breaths. Zayn still has his arms wrapped tight around Liam, and he’s pretty sure he’s never going to let him go. Liam is leaning heavily against his arms, which he’s propped himself up on the stall wall, and once he starts to come back to himself he rests the side of his head against his forearm and cracks an eye open to peer back at Zayn.

“Jesus Christ,” is all Zayn can say. It’s all he can think. Sex with Liam has always been mind blowing, but he’d forgotten how much. 

After another minute Zayn pulls Liam around to face him, and they kiss again softly. Zayn cradles Liam’s face in his hands and strokes his thumbs over his cheeks and tries not to think about how much he finally feels like a whole person again. Not a thing in the world could pop Zayn’s little bubble of contentment. That is, until Liam abruptly pulls away. Zayn makes a little noise of confusion, and Liam just looks at him mournfully before going about righting his tuxedo.

“What are you doing?” Zayn questions, but somewhere inside him he already knows. “You’re not going back out there. Liam, come on. Don’t fuck with me.” Liam sucks in a breath and closes his eyes before adjusting his tie. Zayn is scrambling to redress himself too, and while he’s getting his shirt back on he hears the lock of the stall door click open and Liam’s slow footsteps across the bathroom floor.

“ _Liam_ ,” Zayn all but yells, rushing out of the stall after him, and the other man stops. Zayn feels himself deflate and it’s like that cold winter night five years ago all over again. “Don’t do this to me,” he whispers. “Not again. I won’t survive it this time.”

“I’m married,” Liam whispers back. “This was just sex. For old time’s sake.”

“You don’t mean that,” Zayn insists, feeling the words catch inside his throat. He hears Liam take a sharp breath. Liam never could handle tears. “We’re supposed to be together, don’t you get it? I don’t know what I did the last time to drive you away but we can make it work; Liam I’ll do fucking anything, _please_.”

Liam takes another deep breath and squares his shoulders. He takes another step toward the door.

“You’re the love of my life,” Zayn breathes. “You always have been. And you belong with me.”

Liam pulls open the door and walks out.

Zayn sinks down to the floor and buries his face in his hands and tries not to feel like he’s being torn open from the inside.

\--

Zayn’s pretty sure he’s been in bed for over a week at this point. It’s not his first time around the block; he’s basically back where he was the first time Liam broke his heart and left him in the dust. At least he has Louis to bring him tea and cuddle with him.

“I can’t believe that fucking twat didn’t tell us that Liam was getting married,” Louis repeats for probably the thousandth time since the wedding. They’re currently snuggled up under the blankets with a Friends marathon playing on the TV that neither of them is paying very much attention to.

Zayn just scoffs. “Shut up, you love him.” 

Louis rolls his eyes. “Whatever. Harry’s not getting back into my pants for a very long time after this stunt.”

Zayn snorts. Then he rolls over and fishes a half empty pack of cigarettes out of his bedside table drawer. Louis steals one wordlessly and they both smoke together in silence.

“You’ll find someone,” Louis murmurs unexpectedly after they’ve finished their cigarettes and stubbed them out in the overflowing ashtray at the foot of the bed. “There’s someone else out there for you. Someone who’s going to love you like you deserve.”

Zayn sighs and tucks his head into Louis’ neck. “No there’s not,” he replies after a minute. “Liam is it. I know it. He knows it. I don’t know why he’s still fighting it but it’s always going to be him. And that’s okay. Well, not okay. But it is what it is.”

Louis pulls Zayn tighter into his arms and buries his nose into his hair. “Well, fuck him anyway. You’ll always have me.”

Zayn smiles and closes his eyes. “Yeah. You’re a rat bastard, but I guess I’ll keep you.”

Louis laughs, and Zayn drifts off to sleep against his shoulder.

\--

When Zayn wakes it’s to the sound of his doorbell. Louis is still in bed beside him, but Zayn knows he’s useless until he’s had his breakfast tea, so with a mumbled curse or two he rolls out of bed and makes his way to the front door.

He feels like he should be more surprised to find Liam standing on the other side when he yanks the door open, but instead he just feels a heavy resignation settling at the pit of his stomach. He tries to close the door but Liam shoves his foot in the way and it bounces back open. Zayn just stares at him for a moment before turning away. He goes into the kitchen to put on the kettle, Liam following him tentatively.

“What do you want, Liam?” He finally asks when the water is boiling and steam is starting to to rise from the spout. “Haven’t you done enough to me by now? How many times do you have to break my heart before you’re satisfied?”

“You look like hell.”

It’s the last thing Zayn expects him to say, and his head snaps up. “Are you serious?” He questions in disbelief. “You’re seriously going to come here just to rub it in my face that you’re so happy and in love and I’m a shell of a person?”

Liam shakes his head. “You look how I feel.”

Zayn snorts. “Oh, well look at that. He has feelings after all.”

Liam’s brow furrows, and through the cloud of anger that’s settling over Zayn’s head he can see that Liam’s trying to say something and just can’t seem to find the words. Finally he settles on, “I left Sophia.”

“Well congratulations,” Zayn mocks. “You want me to feel sorry for you or something?”

“You were right,” is all Liam replies.

Zayn tries not to let the little bubble of hope in his stomach get too carried away. He can’t get his hopes up because knowing Liam it’ll all be for nothing. “Yeah I usually am. You’re going to have to be more specific.”

Liam takes a deep breath and runs a hand through his hair. “Everything. Fucking everything, alright? I’ve been running from myself for so fucking long that I don’t even know who I am anymore but somehow even after all these years you still know me better than I know myself.”

“Well as much as I may hate you, you’re the love of my life,” Zayn retorts. “Of course I do.”

“I was scared, okay?” Liam says after a minute, as if answering a question Zayn never asked out loud. “When I went off to school it was like a whole different world and being apart from you only made me remember what I was scared of in the first place and I just needed you to come and hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay but instead of telling you that I just kept pushing you away.”

When Zayn looks up at him again he can see a tear rolling down his cheek and that’s when he breaks. He walks over to Liam and pulls him in, tucking Liam’s head into his shoulder and holding him tight. “I know it’s scary,” he whispers, smoothing a hand down Liam’s back. “People are shit and they don’t understand but at the end of the day love makes it worth it.”

“I know,” Liam breathes. “Fuck, Zayn, I never stopped loving you. Not for a second, no matter how much I tried. But I’m done trying to fight it and run from it. You were right. We belong together.”

Zayn smiles. He feels like his heart has started beating again. “Well I won’t say I told you so.”

Liam snorts into his neck. “You kind of just did.”

Zayn laughs and pulls back just enough to look Liam in the eyes. “I feel like I kind of deserve to. You’ve been a right stubborn twat for a very long time, Liam Payne.”

Liam’s eyes get serious again. “I know. And if you don’t want to be with me after everything I’ve put you through then I understand. But I’m never going to stop waiting for you. I guess it’s my turn, huh?”

Zayn scoffs. “Haven’t you been listening at all?” He asks quietly, cupping Liam’s cheek in his hand. “You’re the love of my life. I’ll always want to be with you.”

Liam smiles, and it’s like the clouds have finally cleared and the sun has come back out. Zayn pulls him into a kiss and resolves to never let him go again.

**Author's Note:**

> severely dangerously unedited bc my beta is asleep even though she is the one who prompted this fic and brought this hell upon me i have work in 5 hours help me


End file.
